i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
