I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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