I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
