Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It's rum buckets o'clock
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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