just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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