You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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