I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
