You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
