dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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