If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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