im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
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Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
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I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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