When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
