My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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