I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
