he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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