You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
