Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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