I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
