Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
