Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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