you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
