I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
