I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
