I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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