I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
