Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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