filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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