there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
