it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
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stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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