It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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