He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
