I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
