so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
