I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Still dying that you shit outside
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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