dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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