Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
