Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
