Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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