remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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