gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
