I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
