I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm getting married
To pizza
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
