i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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