Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
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