Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
