I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
