Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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