So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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