He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
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#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
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Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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