Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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