i jhust puked up my retainher.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
