i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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