Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
