Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
