Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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