I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
