I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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