walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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